I told myself that I wasn’t going to post anymore about losing weight. I told myself that I wasn’t going to make losing a few pounds my New Year’s resolution. But here I go again. I don’t know why this is such a struggle for me, but I am getting to a breaking point. The scale is hovering around a number that I have never seen before and I am just feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. The number of clothes in my closet that I can actually wear is dwindling and I refuse to buy any more clothing because I keep telling myself that I am going to fit into them again. Shopping is an utterly depressing experience. For the past week or so, I have been trying to count calories and despite a few minor indulgences, I have been doing pretty well. I loathe exercise though and I have been struggling with motivation.
I heard a sermon at church recently that reminded me that we cannot expect to shed our bad habits on willpower and good intentions alone. I had never really thought about giving this situation over to God and asking for help. Sure, I have asked God to please help me lose weight because I know my willpower is weak. But I see now that I will have to give it over on a day to day, minute to minute basis. Late last night, after a day of eating well within my caloric guidelines and feeling pretty proud of myself, I found myself searching around the kitchen for something to eat. I started to think, “what exactly am I searching for?” Something to kill the boredom? Something to fill a void? What already?! I still don’t have the answer and I am not proud to admit that the little voice in my ear finally talked me into a granola bar. I know, a granola bar, not that bad, right? But that’s not the point…I didn’t NEED that granola bar. It’s not going to be easy, but I am praying about it…sometimes just once during the course of the day, sometimes over and over while I am staring at the left over Christmas chocolates in my closet.
I keep coming back to this topic because it keeps coming back to me. And as I see myself repeating some of the same mistakes with Michael that I made with my ex, I know I can’t ignore it any longer. It’s not about food. It’s about loving myself and I have to figure out how to do that. A lifetime of negative thinking has done more than ruin my self image, it has ruined parts of my life. Fortunately, I have recovered from those falls, but I have to stand up and face my demons head on and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.