I swear at times I have ADD. My thoughts swirl in all directions and I have trouble focusing on a single goal. I start an activity and then as my mind begins to wander, I think of other things that I need or want to do and I switch tasks. In the end nothing gets completely finished. Or, my mind becomes so overwhelmed with the number of things I’d like to do (or should do), that I end up sitting on my couch, wasting hours on the internet, accomplishing nothing. I’m a whirling, swirling, flurry of activity and I’m at a complete standstill.
This morning it occurred to me while I was wasting another hour of my life scrolling through Pinterest with no real goal in mind, that my problem right now is not that I have a lack of focus, but that my focus is on myself. I’m trying too hard to figure out what to do with myself now that I am a stay-at-home mom. But, it’s really not about me. I quit my job 2 months ago so that I could be a mom. Not so that I could be a blogger, or write a book, or makeover all the rooms of my house, or preserve all the food to get us through the winter, or embark on some new exercise program, or learn how to use my camera, or sew a million dresses for Evelyn. Didn’t I just write a post about how we can’t have it all, all at the same time? I’m in this place because I want to be the best mom that I can be.
Now, I am not saying that doing any of those things is bad or that a stay-at-home parent can’t be an amazing parent and do those other things at the same time. I believe that we all need to have a way to exist outside of our roles as spouses and parents and I believe that I will get there eventually. I just don’t know what that is for me yet. When I was preparing to leave work, my mind was buzzing with all of the things I would love to accomplish that I couldn’t really do while working full time. Now that I have extra time to do some of those things, I don’t even know where to start!
This blog has always been fun for me and for about the past year I have been thinking about ways to build my audience and possibly use it to make extra money for our family. But, once again, I have become so overwhelmed at the crazy amount of work that entails, that I have come to an impasse. I don’t want to stop contributing to this space, but I don’t want to make it my job, and most of all, I want to stay true to myself and to my family.
So, I think it’s best for me to start back at the beginning, back to basics, and focus my energy where it needs to be…my faith and my family. Everything else is just icing on the cake.