It’s been quite some time since I have posted here, and I don’t have any particular reason for staying away. I guess I just needed a break. A lot of changes over the past year have left me in a strange state. I don’t know if it’s depression or exhaustion or just indifference. You know all those big life changes that cause the most stress? Even the good ones…getting married, moving, having a baby…can take a toll. It seems I always experience big life changes in large lump sums. Never one at a time.
This year, I left my job to become a stay at home mom. It was strange at first, especially after 20 years of working. 20 years. Is that even possible? I still don’t feel like I have figured out how to be at home, but I can at least say that I have gotten used to it and it’s mostly been a great experience. I am very grateful to be able to be home with Evelyn, but at times I wonder what on earth I am doing. I sometimes feel like it was a frivolous, impulsive decision, even though we planned for it. I guess for someone who has worked so hard and been in the workplace for so long, being at home feels almost irresponsible for me. I am by no means saying that stay at home moms are frivolous or irresponsible. Being at home is hard work and taking care of children and raising them to be decent human beings is a complicated and worthy undertaking. It’s just still strange for me. I often joke that I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I probably am.
My miscarriage in October made the latter part of the year a bit of a blur. This kind of loss is weird. It’s not like a break-up, when you have someone at whom you can direct your anger and hurt. It’s nobody’s fault, so you have to just sort of move on and get past it. I don’t know how to grieve this way.
Then, only 6 weeks or so after my miscarriage, I got this…
…and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Of course I was happy, but also scared and worried and a bit in disbelief. The holidays came and went, I announced the pregnancy to my family and a handful of friends, but I couldn’t help but think about the fact that if the first baby had stayed, we would have been finding out the gender by then. I totally distracted myself with online shopping during the month before Christmas, buying gifts for Evelyn’s birthday and for Christmas itself. I didn’t allow myself to become too attached to this new little being and I felt like this cloud was hanging over us. I didn’t take pictures or videos, which is completely unheard of for me. For the first time since Evelyn was born, I just didn’t feel excited about much of anything. This is a pretty depressing pregnancy announcement, isn’t it?
I’m still trying to work my way out of that funk and it’s been hard because I have also been physically unwell. I am planning to write soon about my first trimester, but to make a long story short, I have been in physical pain for months (back, sciatic) and have had multiple illnesses over the past few months (shingles, influenza). It’s been a rough year so far, but I am trying to move forward. I will be starting physical therapy sessions next week and I have slowly recovered from the other sickness that has had me down.
I am looking forward to Spring and to many happy occasions that my family will be celebrating this year…graduations, a wedding, our baby. I’m working on my spiritual growth, which is something that I have neglected for far too long. I hope to be posting here more often again and I am finally starting to feel attached to the new little alien in our lives. Evelyn is insisting that it’s a girl and we should be able to find out for sure in a few weeks…and it’s nice to finally see a light at the end of this dark tunnel I have been walking through.