It’s been a little while since I have contributed to this space. We got all caught up in the holiday madness, with places to go, people to see, guests to entertain. Now that things are a little calmer around here, I can take a breath and reflect on the past year. What a crazy year it’s been. Every day, when facebook shows me my memories from the past years, I find myself half smiling/half dying inside.
Last year at this time, I was pregnant and expecting a little boy. After losing him tragically at 16 weeks, we decided it was too much bear. We couldn’t go through it again. While we have decided that we are fine with leaving our baby days behind, I am still coming to terms with Evelyn being an only child. We are so very blessed to have lots of families in our lives. Evelyn started preschool this year, so she gets to be around other children all day. She’s also been cared for by family friends before and after school, so she gets to play with their children as well. Truly, she’s had the best of both worlds…surrogate siblings with friends and the perks of being an only at home. Still, she caught me off guard when she asked my why God made three babies for our friends’ family and He only made one baby for our family. The tears welled up in her eyes as she asked and I don’t know exactly why that would make her sad, but she seemed sad about it. I could only tell her I didn’t know why and fight back my own tears. It amazes me how much she has grown and how the questions come when I least expect it.
Aside from the sad memories on my facebook news feed, things are pretty good around here. I returned to work a few months ago after our financial situation was upended a bit. Now, Michael and I are both doing work we love and Evelyn seems very happy at preschool. She seems to have grown so much since she started school, from toddler to a true preschooler. She’s still having the occasional terrifying tantrum, but they are fewer and farther between and I have been really trying to change my own response to her, which I think has helped a lot. I am trying to be more patient and positive and she is learning some calm-down methods at school that she actually tries to employ at home. She will sometimes stop in the middle of a screaming fest to take a few deep breaths and calm herself.
Every day I see updates from friends on facebook….babies growing up, rolling over, sitting up, and crawling for the first time. It makes me a little sad that those days are over. Maybe I would have cherished them a little bit more, I don’t know. But, even though I am sad to see her baby days passed, I am also having quite a bit of fun with this spunky, dramatic little girl that she’s become. Instead of babbling and cooing, we’re playing Uno (and she’s winning) and telling made-up stories at bedtime. She helps me to cook scrambled eggs for breakfast and rushes the grab the dustpan when we give her dad a haircut. It’s fun to have a little partner-in-crime.
Even though this past year has been a difficult one, I prefer to look back on the fun moments with my 3-year-old girl that I will never get back.
And, just like that, she was four.