Memories

Since Evelyn’s arrival, I have been seriously questioning whether or not this blog will survive.  How can I find time to ramble on about life and who really cares anyway?  But just when I feel like quitting, I talk to someone who’s also blogging or read another blog that inspires me to keep going….even if that means only one post a month (which seems to be my pattern).  After all, for me it’s not about having an audience or making money.  I blog for myself.  And I have quite a bit of fun looking back over my previous posts and remembering what I was doing and what my life was like when I typed those words.  And now, with such an important new addition to my life, I definitely want to be able to look back at these moments and remember our life together.

Evelyn will be 2 months old next week.  The date will be unfortunately marked by my return to work and I can’t believe how the time has flown.  It has taken some time, but I feel like we have kind of developed a routine and having a newborn is getting easier.  The first few weeks were stressful and scary.  I guess being a mom is still scary and always will be.  Evelyn is sleeping in her own room now and starting to smile and coo at us.  I think we’ve finally got the cloth diaper and breastfeeding thing down.  Part of me is so excited for what’s to come and another part of me doesn’t want to wish this time away.  It seems like life passes so quickly and there is this constant struggle to make a permanent imprint of the here and now on one’s brain, all the while knowing that the memories will fade over time.  It makes me panic sometimes, the feeling of trying to hold onto something that is constantly slipping away.  I won’t always remember exactly what her face looks like when she’s smiling at me or the grunting poop face she makes that makes me laugh so much.  Even now, I struggle to remember exactly what her face looked like during those first few moments we had alone together in the hospital.  So, we take pictures, and video, and record milestones in a vain effort to hang onto this one moment.  Right now.  And even one day, when we look back on them, we will think…”Gee, I don’t remember her being that little or sounding that way.”  It’s funny how our memories can fail and deceive us.

Yesterday, Evelyn and I went to visit my co-worker who sits right next to me at work.  She just had her first baby on January 31, so we took them some food and gifts.  Meeting her little boy, Trey, was a glaring reminder of how quickly they grow.  Trey weighs just a little less than Evelyn did at birth and yet he is half her size.  She has grown that much!  As I held this tiny little man, it was a challenge to remember Evelyn having been that small.  So, I will do my best to be present in every moment, take it all in, and try my hardest to burn it all into my brain.

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